I wrote briefly about this on Facebook ... and I haven't blogged in forever... so I thought maybe I could expand here....
Waaaaayyyy back in 1983 (yes, some of you weren't even born yet) I was in high school. I was in the drama club - we were called Thespians. On stage was really the only place I ever felt I "belonged". Until one day....
We were holding auditions for "Oklahoma"... I wanted a part in this musical so bad... but knew that singing wasn't something that I was particularly good at. Someone told me that I could maybe get the part of the grandmother since she had a rough voice - so I thought I would give it a shot. The bad part was - the director wanted everyone to try out for two parts. So, the other song I learned was for the lead. I practiced and practiced... and very nervously I got up on stage for my turn. I knew there was no way I would ever get the lead ... but that is the song he wanted me to start with. So, the music started - I started singing... and then I saw his face. It was terrible. I was terrible. I stopped - told the sound guy to stop the music and walked off stage. The director said "thanks" and I knew that thanks wasn't for auditioning but for stopping the audition.
I love to sing... always have. And to make things worse - my mother has the most beautifully natural and gifted singing voice that I have ever heard. But she also has the lowest self confidence and biggest set of stage fright ever - so won't sing in public (if people are focused on her) ... put a mic in front of her and forget it! Sooooo many people have told her throughout her life that she is wasting the gift that she was given... and soooo many times I have wished that I could have just a piece of that gift because I (in case you didn't know) am not afraid to be in front of people.
Well, I got the job of stage manager for that musical and all future musicals... And life happened and I gave up the dream of ever being able to sing on stage.
Fast forward many years later and I find myself in church. Sunday after Sunday singing my heart out to my Lord that has saved me from soooo many things... and little by little - do my ears deceive me or does it sound like my voice is getting better? I know that we hear ourselves much differently than others hear us... but I would often do the little cup thing over my ear and listen - could it be???
Now, please don't think I am vain or think that "I'm all that"... I know there is no way I could ever sing a solo... but it dawned on me - He knew... He remembered... I was reminded again about just how much He cares... He truly cares about the desires of our heart.
So, when Pastor James asked me if I would be interested in helping with kids worship - I said YES! - even though I knew that meant possible humiliation.... and seeing that same look on the faces of many people that I saw on the face of my director so many years ago. But, I love worship, I love the kids, and so want the kids to feel the joy of true worship... and I needed to test this out...
The big day came... and even though I was singing along to a video and had many voices singing along with me... I asked a few people that I thought would tell me the truth. OK..."Be honest - how was it?" I was hoping that people didn't think that I was fishing for compliments (and that is NOT the reason for this blog) but I needed to see... was it just wishful thinking??? Or was my voice really not that bad? I really hope that those who I asked were honest with me... of course, the enemy wants to tell me they weren't and and are all presently laughing about me behind my back.
But, I have more faith than that in my God.... I do believe that when we honestly seek after Him... He will give us the desires of our heart. (Psalm 37:4) The Amplified Bible adds in that He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. But like how the New Century Version begins the verse - Enjoy serving the Lord, and He will....
Dear Lord, it is nothing but joy in serving You..... I thank you again for always being faithful. This desire wasn't provided according to my timetable - but Yours. And I thank You for that as well. You knew exactly when I would best appreciate it and would know it was from You.
