Christopher is making plans to move to Texas.... making these plans behind my back. Running away from a girl here - to a girl there... and using everything I say to him as an excuse to make it all right.
I feel like such a failure...
Being his mom has been such of a fight - right from the beginning. Right after he was born I had a gallbladder attack and went into the hospital for 12 days... then I was released - had another attack and went back in the hospital for another 12 days. Both times - my mother-in-law convinced my husband that he shouldn't bring the baby to see me. When I was released we moved in with her for 6 weeks because I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy. So... the first 3 months of his life he was held by her...
I then went back to work - she watched him and he drew closer to her. He would cry when I came to pick him up. It was torture.
We moved into another house that wasn't so close to her and things got better. Our relationship grew... and then his dad walked out. So then it was me and him... I felt at times it was Christopher and me against the world.... many things happened but the constant thing was us. It came a time when I needed to work to get myself out of debt so he had to move back into his grandmothers.... for a year I worked and would see him when I could ... until finally he asked me why he couldn't stay with me. I hold onto that moment - at that moment I knew my son loved me.
Over the years - I thought we were drawing closer.... I thought... I have watched him grow and change.... I have watched him accept the Lord into his life... I have watched him learn and thought he was on a path to right choices... he has so much potential... but he is ready to squander it all away...
He has no job... a high school education... no skills... no plan... but he's 18.
I know that I made a lot of these same choices in life... and that is what scares me... I did have a plan - was in college but I allowed stupidity (mainly in the form of a boy) to change the whole course of my life. I want so much more for him.... it is really breaking my heart to watch him do this... and there is nothing I can do about it.
Nothing but stand by and cry...
I have felt for a long time that God has a calling for his life... and sometimes I wonder if it is that pressure that Christopher is running from. I know that he is smart - I know that he knows deep down that what he is doing is wrong - at the very least it doesn't make sense. But maybe the pressure and guilt for not stepping up and into the calling is what he is really running from... I don't know.
But ultimately it makes me not even want to try with the younger one. For 18 years, everything that I have taught Christopher has been refuted by his father... the structure and instruction has been seen by many as nothing by my desire to control. In fact what it was my deep deep love for my son....
Although John has come such a long way as a husband and father... this is one thing that we still battle with. I tell Jake one thing and he is taught quite the opposite by his father... I really don't want to do this again... maybe I should just put him into public school ... get busy(er) with my own life... and let his father raise him. Why try - What is the point of it all????
7 comments:
Oh Cassi...=(
It's hard; I'm sure, in the middle of the mire. In the depths of the water they can over take you. But don't listen to the devil whispering things in your ears. Just hold fast in prayer. Pray; pour your heart out to Jesus. He is right there beside you praying for your whole family with you. He cares so much for every individual in that family. Every single hair on their head, every beat of their heart, every bite of food that they take. He is right there beside you in intercession. Don't give up.
Cassi...I just have no words. Your whole family is in my prayers.
from my sister:
Cassi, cassi, cassi
this is all a part of being a mother, parent, a target~
I dont think it is personal at all, most parents have been through this, and if you havent been thru this then your one of the lucky ones, and there isnt too many lucky ones out thre, I think I remenber someone saying Our job was to teach our chindren to fly and supply the wings, or something like that, oh yes that was you...........you have to haave faith that he does this with the right intentions and learns alot from it, and for you Not to take this personally. Yes our kids move away, and not always for he best reasons, mostly because they can~~~ probaby the dumbest reason of all...and this girl thing is a passing fancy, this isnt about her it is about independence and thinking he knows it all. when in truth he has been sheltered more than most and he is tryng his wings you supplied........your hurt beyound beleif, I feel for you, your heart is breaking, bu please remember he is going out there with what youve instilled in him and pray he comes to his senses and returns with your arms open and your hert intacked, I know this feels like a death,, a finality, but it isnt and everyones life will go on.
you have Jake to raise and instill the same morals and lessions in and hope he interputes these in a different manner and doesnt break your heart I love you
Wow - I was just stopping by and then all this.
But, as son of a broken home and a controlling mother - let me say just keep your head up. I think as long as you make decisions you can live with, the struggles will be worth it. Your son is a man now, yes a young man and yes basiccally half retarded 'cause he's 18 - but still a man. The hardest thing for my mom (still to this day, which strains the relationship) is that she never transitioned from caregiver to coach to friend. She still tries to control, which I know comes from an honest heart that loves - but it is so annoying. So keep fighting for your son, praying for your son - because years down the line you won't regret those things, but you will regret giving up. But you do have to be ready to transition and let him go, and when he makes mistakes, despite your best effort to coach him, be there to love him and support him.
I'll say a prayer for you right now - I know it isn't easy but it is worth the struggle. I mean, who else is going to struggle on his behalf?
Cassi... now, I know I'm not a mother or anything... but it breaks my heart that you are having to go through this. I may not be able to relate completely to your situation... but I was brought up in a broken home, so I know what it's like to feel like sometimes you have to struggle to maintain a good relationship with family.
And I DO know how it feels to watch someone you KNOW could be used for so much good in the world just turn their back on it and run away. It hurts. You wanna do something... you want to stop them.. but ultimately it comes down to them and their heart. God sees that you've been struggling and hurting. He sees just how much you love Chris and that you want the very best for your son. Don't think that's going unseen.
But, please, don't give up on Jake. You stand firm by what you think is right. Try to use what may have happened in the past with Chris as an example of what to do and what not to do with Jake. And remember that there are people all around you who love you and who want to be there to lift you up when life gets you down. :)
SO... I am totally sad. I had just written a really long response and for some reason it didnt post. And now its gone forever.
It basically said that I understand some of the pain you are going through... I know I'm not a mother, but I DID grow up in a broken home. So I understand how hard it can be to maintain a good relationship with family sometimes.
And I also know how hard it is to watch someone you love so much turn away from all they know is good, when you KNOW deep down in your heart that they could do SO MUCH more good in the world. I've been there... I've seen my friends struggle.
But just dont give up. Shower Jake in your love. Ask God for strength. And remember that you have lots of people around you who love you and want to be there to lift you up when life gets youd down. :)
Post a Comment